Look, I'm back again already!

I am so on top of things. Well, actually I probably shouldn't be allowed to say that since I've spent at least half of my day sleeping. I mean I do get up every day and go to work at 7:30, and I did go walk dogs at 8 this morning. And I really couldn't sleep last night. But still. The laziness is appalling.

Other than sleeping my life away, I have been reading this awesome book that I bought last night. I've already made it almost half way through the book, and all of the essays have been wonderful. Some are very serious, very global, while others are events relevant to the author alone. But each one is just that - relevant. If to know one else, then to the author himself. You can tell that these stories come from their hearts, from the best that they have. Most of them are deeply personal. Some of these essays I can't really relate to all, having never been in a similar situation, but most of them I could relate to on some level. Some experiences are just universal.

For instance, how if feels to have your friends become more important than your lover. To develop such extreme loyalty to the ones who are always there and always know what to do and say, and then blame the poor guy who can't live up to them (even if this is only in your own mind).

And also, the essay about OCD? More than just relatable. I blame countless little tics on the mild case of obsessive compulsive disorder that I have diagnosed myself with. Most of the time I'm half joking, but after reading this I realize that yeah, I probably should be serious. I mean, I'm not one of the ones that has to have medication to make it through the day. I can usually keep it under control myself by just ignoring the impulses and fears and just doing what I need to do. Some days are worse than others of course. Like you know the really nervous feeling you have when you're slowly creeping up to the top of a gigantic roller coaster? That tightness in your chest and the little cramp in the pit of your stomach. Sometimes I feel like that all. day. long. Sometimes it turns into full blown terror, and I can't stay in the house alone;I can't be still; I can't stand silence. I can't stop thinking that someone or something is just going to appear out of nowhere. Someone has been hiding in the back of the house and is going to come out and kill me. Someone is going to break in and kill me. The little stuffed clown on the dresser or the one in the painting is suddenly going to come to life. Sometimes I have to sleep with the lights on. Sometimes I'm afraid that my car will blow up the first time I crank it after filling the gas tank. I'm afraid to dry off with a towel that's been used by a guy for fear of being impregnated. I can't do something as simple as turn the page in a book unless it feels just right. I never knew that all these things were symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder. Erasing and rewriting letters and number until they look just right, arranging and rearranging the surgical instruments (or anything else for that matter) until they are just right, parting and re parting my hair until every hair was exactly where I thought it should be, continuing to make some repetitive sound or motion until it landed on the right note toend with (I often make noises in my head to accompany repetitive motions like putting one down after another, for instance), counting random things (again, like footsteps). Yeah, I was pretty sure all those were OCD. But the other things I just thought were plain crazy or some kind of paranoia or something. Sure, I can see that all these things or completely and utterly irrational, but that can't stop me from thinking or doing any of them. For the most part, it's beyond my control. But finding out that some other girl has thoughts that are even more irrational than this - it was almost a religious experience.

Anyway, I'm sorry that I've gone on and on about my crazy, but like I said - religious experience. I promise that if you come back tomorrow, I'll try to write about something normal like what movies I want to see, and what celebrities I just can not stand, and how long it's been since I took a shower. Ya know. Normal things like that.